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| Hm...what's happened? I don't remember what I posted last, and you know I'm too lazy to read it, so I guess I'll just update the best I can. I'll start with my list. I'm working on a list of things that make me happy day to day without fail. The things I find make waking up every day worth it. 1. Gem. A few months ago, I would've told you that the chance to talk to Jo would be numero uno. Even a few weeks ago, that would have been true. But I find that today it's the farthest from true. Gem is really a great reason to wake up every day. Not because we talk every day. Not because I have the chance to see her most days. Not even because of what goes on between us. What I mean to her is what makes it worth it. I'm worth a lot to her. She's proud of me and she sees me growing into a better person. My love for her is also what makes it worth it. She's incredible. She's strong, polite yet stern, intelligent, experienced, worldly, and older. The care and love and emotion she puts into things that matter to her is a definition of her most astounding attributes. 2. My art. I'm hesitant to work on it, and it's driving me nuts. I keep going off a wall with perspective. But, Goddess, do I love it. It frees me in a way. I feel like it's something I don't totally suck at anymore. I've even begun work on my Anthro ideas and made terrific progress faster than I thought possible. 3. Greg. He's not totally...um...we'll say he's not an open thinker. He gets an idea and he goes with it. He can't prioritize socially, but he's a terrific man and my role model. He's strong, loving, responsible, and independent. Strangely, he shares all of these attributes with Gem, and yet he, as a male, took the place as my role model. I can't explain that except to say it might have to do with my romantic attachment to Gem. I do see her as my social role model. They've both taught me a lot and continue to teach me with pride and love in their hearts. To see me excel would make them so happy. 4. WoW. That sounds odd, and possibly like an addiction. The weird thing is WoW actually bores me. What isn't boring is making friends and feeling compelled to do something with my time. Actively making a plan and sticking to it for the whole of the free time I have. The game itself is enjoyable, but above all else, I love the friends I have, and I love the small connection I still feel to Jordynn through that game. 5. Jo. Yeah, she made the list. I'm just as surprised as you are, trust me. But the truth is, I really do love her. I know now that she's unhealthy (and getting worse, from my perspective). Where I was a problem in our relationship, I was not the only one (the obvious family problems also played a factor). As much as I want her in my life and future, she isn't presently the woman I'll marry. She may never be. 6. Karol. I think it's odd she's so low on the list, too, don't worry. She's important for me, right? She takes care of me, she's loyal, and she loves me dearly. These should be all I need, right? I'm finding that's wrong. See, she's low on the list, because of how unfairly I feel toward her. I love her, but not in the same way she loves me. She is the one that needs me. I help her. I love her very much in that sense. And as a lover, while a bit...um...abrupt and very direct about her tactics, the expression of desire and love is obvious in her actions. That's the list I have. There are some minor things that shift positions sometimes. And some major things that should be obvious. Like the fact I have a roof over my head provided by my loving father and grandmother. I have a cat that depends on me and loves me very much. All that jazz. Anyway, it's way late and I'm tired. I'll try to post more. At least once a day. I need a place to put down my thoughts and this works. I have started to notice I say things to people just to say them sometimes, so my goal is to start using this here blog for that. Night World, Kitty | | |
| I dunno what it is. Maybe I'm just messed up. But I feel alone all the time. Like I need to crowd and overstimulate myself with people that I care about just to stop feeling alone. And it doesn't even work. It's like two people in the whole world make me feel true companionship. Like I'm not alone at all. That sounds stupid and emo (//_o), but I honestly don't care for that stereotype. It's a genuine feeling. Even when I'm with my SL partner if feels like I'm being left alone. And if I'm not feeling alone, I want to -be- alone. I love her deeply, but we're -always- together. I wouldn't mind, but she doesn't get my humor, she's oversensitive/undersensitive about most things... A lot of the time when I say things, it's like no one really understands what I meant, even though I think it was perfectly conveyed. I could quote someone else word-for-word and still not convey my meaning properly. I'd say it feels like I'm talking to a wall, but walls respond accordingly when you knock a certain way, ya know? It's more like talking to a wall of invisible spikes. Eventually you're too scared to even look at the wall, let alone knock on it. It's like I say something simple and obvious and the world just looks at me and says 'what'. I know I talk a lot, but I really believe that's only because I'm afraid too few words won't convey what I have to say. Then I speak using too many words and -over- clarify. Or worse, change the meaning altogether. I think it'd help if I thought faster. It seems like all the really good statements I could've made come to me after I've already stated my idea. Or maybe I really should just slow down. Do I move too fast? I guess it's always possible that I could be stuck in childhood while still trying to rush everything in life, like I'm in a hurry. Kids do that all the time, don't they? With their wishing to be older and whatnot. I should work on being slower. See if that helps? I'm not sure it will, but everyone tells me I should. I stopped listening to people's suggestions because they could only ever tell me -what- needs to happen. Never -how- it can be done. I'll have to talk to Devyn about that. I slept through my appointment with her when my schedule changed, so I'll have to apologize for that. I know I'm turning out to be a terrible adult, but I have to keep trying or I might as well just crawl under a rock in the sahara desert. Then again, maybe moving countries would be a good idea. I've been considering making the step to go into military. I'm tired of being useless and lazy and without talent or skill. The military can train me in something. Teach me to be of some use to my family and my country. I might not like politics, but maybe if I did something simple with my life, it'd be easier to move into the complicated things. I still don't know what I want from my future. I don't even know how to do the research for what I think I might want to maybe do. Everything's worth a try, so I think that if I can't get a job, I'll go and apply for the military. To hell with my back. I want to be something, and I'm tired of letting my back stand in the way of that. I can't just give up every time because it hurts too much. Signed KittyCat =^.^= | | |
| I miss her today. I feel fine, and like I'll make it through the day, but I miss her. Other than that, my back hurts. I woke with a small headache, but that should pass. Or it may get worse when we go to see the movie. I made it through the morning in a lazy manner, having gotten to sleep in an extra half hour past 6. I fell asleep around 1:30, 2 o' clock, and did not awaken of my own accord. My mother came to me at 5:30, upset that I wasn't already awake and ready to awaken her at 6. I went back to sleep, without even checking my phone, and slept another hour. I woke up on my own, checked my phone, fought with the YM app (which isn't updating to post the messages I received while sleeping last night), and eventually decided to get up out of bed. I'm pleased with my morning and can see this being a fairly good day if I'm careful not to let my family affect my attitude. Every day is a test. I failed on Friday, got a D yesterday, and hope to pass with at least a C tonight. I am surviving. I will overcome. And I will see if I can get my mother to drop me off at DT to apply. Farewell for Now, Kittycat | | |
| I don't know why, but I've taken to a tendency of lying to myself. Not in a positive way either, like trying to convince myself 'yes, this is possible' despite knowing how impossible it is. But about important things. Like Jordynn. I broke up with her a little over a week ago. I was in a fit of emotional rawness and made a stupid and rash decision. I regret leaving her, but not anything else. I've been trying to grow up since then, and seeking ways to do it. So far I've gotten a job, I've established myself as a rent-payer, so I'm not as controlled, and I've made several friends. Recently I've started looking into a new career path, and possible job opportunities to help me get there. I've done all of this in just over a week. I could do a lot more in the next year or so. But I'm still not growing up. Jo told me she'd discuss things with me a week from Wednesday, after I'd realized the damage my actions had caused, and that Jo wasn't going to stop me this time. During that week, I spent all my time focused on things in front of me. Focused on what I can do to improve my life. And I convinced myself through lies and self-manipulation of emotion, that I didn't want Jo back. In reality, I'd love to go back. I miss her family. I miss Tina. I miss the boys and the lack of privacy. I miss her bed. I miss the heat of her bedroom. I miss her warm body to sleep beside. I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss her blush and her singing. I miss her stubbornness and need to express her opinion. I miss holding her in my arms, looking in those gorgeous eyes, and telling her I love her like there's no tomorrow. I miss her mom and the nice way she'd ask me to do things. I miss her dad and his isolation issues. I miss huddling with her in her bedroom while her parents had it out. I miss the idea of adopting her niece and raising her to be a wonderful young woman. I'd honestly go back to her in a heart beat. But maybe it's a good thing I don't. I can't be a dependent all my life. I have to learn to do this on my own. And if that means giving up on the woman I love the most until I've found myself and taken care of -my- needs, then I'll deal. I'll always love her, and I'll always miss her, but it's time to grow up and move on. I'll cry later. Probably while making breakfast. Today, I woke up in a fairly good mood. I was able to sleep a little later into the morning than I have been, because of staying up a little later last night, which was nice. I took a shower, got good and clean, did a dungeon in WoW, and did a darn good job of keeping the tank alive, despite his short-comings in skill and gear. I'll be thinking a lot on self-fulfilling prophecies and what I can do to prevent them today, while I work. I think that's a good use of my mind that won't distract me too much from the CBLs. We'll see. Farewell for now, Kittycat | | |
| This means I edited or added. In the last week, I have successfully become severely attached to a person I just met. Something that doesn't happen often. A habit that tends to show up ever couple years or so. Stupid Move #1 In the last week, I confessed to feeling a purely platonic, yet very close, attachment to said person. Stupid Move #2 In the last 5 days, I have turned into a psycho bitch and gone on a border-line suicidal rant toward said person then got even worse and went on a passive aggressive trip down douche bag lane. (I really fucked around with her that night...) Super Mega Stupid Move #1; Stupid Move #3 In the last 4 days, I have apologized and attempted to correct the situation. At the worst possible time. Leaving it undiscussed and mostly unaddressed. Stupid Move #4 Over the process of the last 3 days, I have attempted on several occasions to apologize and set things right. Eventually probably coming off as a stalker/creeper. Super Mega Stupid Move #2; Stupid Move #5 Today I found out that because of all of these things, I have caused a woman in her early to mid-sixties to feel fear of a 19 yr old child with serious mental problems. (me) In reaction to this, I made the decision to leave SL 'for a while'. If not for good. I got the yahoos of the two friends I haven't yet scared away, and then logged out on Destiny Islands before removing both SL viewers from my computer. Smart Move #0.5 After taking some time to consider my options, I have made a decision. I might not be leaving SL. I have some damn good friends on there. I'd like to make more of them. I've got a place that I can go out with my partner, and we have plans to go every Tuesday. I am running away from awkward moments and painful thoughts. But I don't want to anymore, especially at the cost of my friends, so I'm going to talk with the 3 people that can help me. (Even if two are a little biased ;p) They'll help me decide if I want to stay. (I've actually already talked to Austin, before posting this edit, and he said I should rejoin, despite it all. Says that my happiness is more important than the awkward BS. I love that guy.) Step in the Right Direction #1 No one reads this blog, but there ya go. I've posted to this blog over the course of several years now, and anyone who has even glanced upon it knows that I have progressed slowly away from being a rebellious angst teen to being slightly more in control of myself. Despite using the blog as an emotional fodder when things got too bad to handle. This is the accumulation of the progress anyone has seen. This is the accumulation of what the events I have posted here have led to. I have made little progress. Though I don't think I'm as crazy as I used to be, definitely not as angsty most of the time. (Yea, I still have my moments, hence Stupid Move #3) But improvement is not the word I would go with after this long and only 3 steps forward (Friday, I think warrants a step back, so I think that's actually 2?). Today though, rather than stepping forward, I'm going to step up. I'm tired of being who I am. I've complained about me for a long time. And it isn't that I need to change who I am, it's that I need to find a better way of expressing it. Today I lost a friend. She wasn't my friend for very long, and I admittedly hardly knew her. I had an unusual and slightly childish attachment to her. Like a dog that got a treat from that stranger that just moved in. Don't know diddly about her, but she was nice so now she's like second master. The loss of something I was that attached to, no matter who or why, hurt a lot. I have literally never experienced it before. And I've posted my heart break over Chelsey a million times over. This isn't about loss or defeat. This is about me not being the best I can be, and now seeing the results of it. I've had ample opportunity to help myself, but I haven't. Terrified of the results of me being adult. Until now, there was literally never anything bad enough to make me feel like bottom had been hit. My hurt stems from knowing that I scared someone. Me. The way I acted, spoke, reacted... All of these things are problems I already knew I had. I'm good at 'worst possible' predictions, but I never could predict the answer to the question. "I'm pretty effed up, but what's the worst that could happen?" Recently I'd feared I'd lose the most important thing in the world to me, Jordynn. But if she'd left, I don't think it would have had this effect. No, I needed someone that I was attached to enough, but didn't know all that well. It's unfortunate that I lost such an amazing friend possibility to learn this lesson, but that's not so bad. If I consider that when I've had some time to fix me, this might be resolved. My hope is to make progress before I turn 20 in six months, but it's not a goal. Goals don't work for me, they only stress me out. I'm going to focus on every day as the day before me. I'm really glad this happened. (Don't get me wrong, still hurts like a mother, but I'm not running away anymore, and that's the important thing.) | | |
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